When did you sneak that second vacation day in on me? You’re gone today AND Monday?! This is torture. Work absolutely sucks without you. I enjoy laughing throughout the work day with you. I believe you’ve single-handedly prevented me from having a second work-related heart attack. And I’m putting this in writing: I will go to Frankenmuth with you this year. I’m very excited about it!
Dear Giant Centipede,
I had no idea you guys grew to be so huge! You were as long as my toothbrush and as thick around as the handle of my hair brush. I don’t normally get freaked out by insects. I see one of you. I kill one of you. Game Over. But you, you massive creature, scared the crap (almost literally) out of me. When I tried to kill you, but only caught the rear end of you because you move so damn fast, and I looked at the Kleenex and saw some of your legs still moving on the tissue, my hair on my arms stood up. I always thought that was just a saying, but I now know it’s true. I had goosebumps and my hair was standing at attention. It terrifies me that your nasty self is still somewhere in my home. This isn’t over. I will find you and you will be sorry you ever messed with me.
How is it possible that my baby brother is turning 32 years old on Monday?! It seems like only yesterday when we were laughing out loud to Beavis and Butt-Head episodes in our living room in Milan and prank calling random numbers in the phone book – long before the days of Caller ID. (Ignore that last part, Mom.) I loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you in the baby nursery at the hospital. I knew we’d be the best of friends for life. You have grown into the most incredible and amazing man and I couldn’t be more proud of you. When you agreed to be my Man of Honor at my wedding, I knew my day would be perfect. I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you for always. You make me so very proud to be your big sister.
HAPPY 32nd BIRTHDAY!!
Dear The Ville on Facebook,
I had cut down all my FB game addictions to just Mall World, but then you wandered into my life in all of your magnificent glory. I am so very addicted to you. You’re like The Sims, but so much better. I have the greatest house that I’ve built and my character is dating a lot of people and having fun. I didn’t mean for her to become a slut, but it happened. You are too entertaining at times. Let’s try to remember I have work to do. But, please, never leave me.
Dear Idiot at Work,
You’ve sent me approximately 1,000 emails and I haven’t responded to a single one. I would think by now you’d get the hint that I’m not interested. Actually, you’d think the wedding ring on my ring finger would be an even bigger hint. I’ve asked you to leave me alone, but you won’t. Why? I realize that in the past we would laugh and joke together with other people around, but that didn’t mean I was interested in you. And, yes, at first your attention may have been remotely flattering, but only because my self-esteem has been at an all-time low since my heart attack. But, it’s been several months since then and you still contact me. Why? LEAVE ME ALONE!
Dear Winter Classic at Michigan Stadium,
Lindsey and I need tickets to attend you in January of 2013. Would you please make that happen?
Dear First Boyfriend,
Thanks for cutting down those dangerous tree branches on our tree in our backyard. I’m grateful that you and my husband got along so well. He’s very impressed with your work, as I told him he would be. We now have to get used to our backyard looking completely exposed, but I appreciate that I no longer have to worry when my stepdaughter plays in the backyard. And thanks for engaging her into conversation when you visited last weekend. It meant a lot to her and my husband.
I’ve been waiting patiently for you to get here and I’m quite happy you’ve finally arrived.
Remember when you used to be flat? Let’s revisit those days again soon.
Dear Manchester Police,
As we were leaving the Manchester Chicken Broil last night, you two were taking pictures of each other standing by your squad car. Seriously?! I understand there’s not a lot of crime in Manchester, Michigan, but SERIOUSLY?!! You two looked absolutely ridiculous. Have some respect and at least ACT like you’re someone who criminals should fear. Seriously.
Dear Pepsi Max,
I love you.