Dear Katie Holmes,
Who knew you had the courage to get you and your daughter out of a bad situation? I admire that in you. I hope you can find happiness again. Give me a call sometime. Well, actually, text me sometime. (I despise talking on the phone.) We could hang out, spend some of Tom’s money and schedule play dates for Suri and my stepdaughter Marissa.
Dear Kraft Macaroni and Cheese,
Why do you have to be so delicious? I’m never going to lose any weight with you around. As Jack Twist said in Brokeback Mountain, I wish I knew how to quit you.
You have the absolute cutest kitty snores I’ve ever heard. They make my heart melt. I know I tell you a thousand times a day, but I love you.
Dear Bus Driver Who Shall Not Be Named,
We work in an office. Try to act like it. Your drunken hyena laugh is not only obnoxious; it’s so loud that my customers can hear it over the phone when you’re in the next room. Seriously, stop it.
I know I complain that you’re never jealous of anyone, but I realized how precious that is to me when you allowed my first boyfriend, who owns a landscaping business, to come out to inspect our tree in the backyard.
I feel so badly that a gigantic branch fell off of our massive tree in the backyard and completely ripped your power line in two. Thanks for being so understanding about it. We’re truly blessed to have you guys living next to us.
Dear Husband’s Ex-Wife,
I want to thank you for choosing such an adorable house for you and your then-husband. I just wish you had pushed harder for a swimming pool while you were living there. I could really use one.
If you didn’t exist, I could have probably saved enough for a small mansion and a honeymoon by now. As I said to Kraft Macaroni and Cheese earlier, I wish I knew how to quit you.
Dear Olive Garden,
You are such a deep love of mine. I wish I could convince the husband to visit you more often. We do have a gift card to use so keep the lasagna and the stuffed mushrooms warm. Hopefully we’ll be over soon.
Thanks for commenting on my blog! You made my day! I love you!